Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Lunch with my ex colleagues are invariably convivial and enjoyable. They talk a lot, I learn a lot, and I keep in contact with everyone.

The bankers at CSFB are worlds apart from those at CIMB-GK. They lead more stressful lives, more time at work, earn more money and live more extravagantly. Investment banking, as my colleague said, really distorts your value of money, and many of them find it tough to adjust after leaving IBD. We pay our own way at lunches, eat generally at cheaper places, but everything else is the same. IB at a bulge bracket firm is a lifestyle choice with a short span, many of them are not looking to be career investment bankers, since priorities oscillate as one grows older. The attrition rate is so high, and even higher is the higher-and-fire rate, but again, even higher is the pay.

The personalities we discuss are always right at the top of the financial world – john mack, brady dougan, eric varvel, alan wheat etc. At today’s lunch I find out how important is sucking up to the correct people, and what is the opportunity cost of “managing upwards”.

My dad and jack are similar in many ways, both manage downward impeccably but upward disastrously. Dad is known by his peers as one who cannot play the political game in the office; jack is known as one who doesn’t respect the “upstairs people” in his society. The advantage of this is you get a loyal following, you meet people who might rise above you and get good contacts; the disadvantages are obvious.

An ex colleague is known for being very politically savvy, managing upward extremely well – to the point where he only works on one deal at a time!! of course, since his attention is undivided, his reviews for that deal are impeccably come paytime; he gets the largest bonus. The cost – when the business cycle swings, those who were at his level might climb the ranks, but they don’t particularly like that person. The cost may seem social at first, but it may have larger repercussions – indeed, this unnamed colleague is currently out of a job after he’d left CSFB, unlike all the others who were at lunch today. He wasn’t, and is never, at our lunches, for obvious reasons.

Of course, there are variations of this generic formula, and the factors I have enumerated are neither prescriptive nor exhaustive, but this is what ive heard and seen first hand, and its rather enlightening.

Personally, I think im the type who is better at managing up – which im not sure is a good thing.

Ah, we’d see, we’d see.

we talked, we talked, till work called us back.

Monday, August 29, 2005

I have made several observations as of late which have been rather enlightening, but which may seem a tad ad hoc and uninformed to the analyst or logician.

“I need some excitement in my life” is synonymous with “I need a life”, only that the former implies that “I once had an exciting life”, which doesn’t fucking matter, since in the temporal dimension that matters (i.e. the present) I don’t have a life.

Jiejie and I are continually talking at cross-purposes and it gets extremely frustrating at times.

Through the interaction between myself and jia, as well as jie, I have realized the wisdom of the frostean proverb “the problem with being punctual is that there is no one there to notice it”. Its one of those things that is a mere banality, until it hits you right like a slap in the face. It hurts.

Friends in the past have always complained that I use overly bombastic language and excessive technicalities when it comes to debating a given topic. I have made a genuine effort to move away from that. The result is that latecomers in my life always think there is a loophole in my argument just because I don’t pack it airtight-vacuum-sealed, whereas the earlier individuals still reckon my flaw is there. So which is which? Arguments without an arbitrator are always useless, but people around me seem to have more propensity to argue as of late. I miss a reasoned, properly structured, rationale argument, with both sides having the ability to admit when one is mistaken. I talk as if im missing heaven.

And some resolutions:

Once I stop work on the 16th, I will take a two-week hiatus from smoking just to prove to myself that I can.

I shall start on Damodoran on Valuation in the hope of gaining some rudimentary financial knowledge and hope to finish it before interviews for internships start.

I will visit Joyce and Hongy soon.

Monday, August 22, 2005

It was a good weekend. Snuggling and cuddling and wrasslin’ baby all day haha.

Poor looloo. Hope you re alright.

Based on the syllogistic method of reasoning:

Misconceived people are pathetic. (in the both the contemporary and strict senses)

J is extremely misconceived.

J is pathetic

I shall speak with him soon. No prizes for guessing his identity.

I have a runny nose. And it’s a weird sensation when u smoke whilst your nose is running. As I inhaled, that cold mucus also traveled from my nose into my mouth. Kinda weird, but not as sick as it sounds.

Im at work today. Next Wednesday I shall be emancipated.

Im considering whether to write character profiles of the Gotei 13 and other significant characters in Bleach, since those I have seen on the internet hitherto suck as much as a high powered vacuum cleaner.

I am considering whether to leave for London slightly earlier, sacrificing more time with baby and having my darling jiejie as my companion on my long flight back

I have to go into Malaysia for at least three working days to get a new passport and IC. Any takers?

There are people whom I haven’t met at all for the entire time ive been back, but I would like to meet. *Ahem* manda.

I haven’t opened bottle for a long time. I need to drink desperately

I haven’t shopped for a longer time. I need to shop more desperately.


Ukitake’s release:
Every wave, become my shield,
Every lightning, become my sword,
Sougyo no Kotowari !!

Everyone needs me to shut my mouth. Especially my baby.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

all i want is mutual respect between friends

i watch my tone, you watch yours.

is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

self castigation II

Today was a lonely day. I spent an hour in bukit timah market drinkin tiger beer and smoking. Watching the world go by. On the bus home, I scroll through my phone book and I realize I had not a single soul to message. Nothing. No one.

But that might not be a bad thing now, would it? Ive always been too emotionally attached to friends.

But there is no longer anyone constant in my life.

The only constant there was, who I could emotionally connect with, has been torn apart from me. Souls once conjoined were forcefully split from within, and now we are trying to repair the damage. A broken bowl can never be fully mended – we are both working overtime to prove that adage wrong. But as you know, tis a long journey yet, my friend.

The only current constant now is one whom I know will be there for me, to share the joy and despondence, but whom I cannot connect emotionally with.

My best friend is one whom I know not how much I can count on; there are a multitude of external and internal issues we have to deal with; including me sucking the love and life out of her already jaded soul. One whom im not sure I could still provide happiness for, but one whose life is inextricably intertwined with mine, at least for the next year. not that im complaining, just that the future looks bleak. and i hope we will survive. i do.

Of course, there is my darling gf. Always the supportive one, the quiet and appreciative observer. A laconic gratifier, who makes me feel needed and wanted. But that’s not enough is it? One can never be complete with just his/her significant other and no one else in the world. That is a sad pit which I don’t want either of us to fall into.

Some I just cannot award happiness to any longer, and my only worth as a person, since im so emotionally draining, is to offer happiness as barter. I do not know why I had ended up like this, so wayward and confused. I am such a flawed person I do not think I deserve the status I am given.

Many people tell me I have everything going for me. Let me negate all your praises and compliments, based on one fatal flaw – my personality. I am a spirit soaked in negativity, who thrives in hate and violence. I realize it's the iconoclasm inherent in my nature. it's much easier for me to think of and define things with negative imperatives. i also find definitions like that much more open and interesting. it's not prescriptive of what qualifies as good, so much as drawing limits beyond which is the bad. Analytically it may be sound, or at least I think so, but doesn’t it reveal a more sinister mindset underneath the veneer?

The heart is, amongst other things, an internal object, a thing which through its qualities satisfies human needs of an emotional kind. The heart’s feelings and desires only becomes love because they are the product of the writing of private individuals who feel independently of each other. The sum total of the sentiment of private individuals form the average method of demonstrating love of a given society. So why do I demonstrate my love in such a perverted, twisted and socially unacceptable way? Of course its easy for me to proclaim to be an iconoclast; I transcend social norms, that I am “the unknown variable of an indeterminate equation”, as I used to say, but after all the romanticism, beneath all the dust, I am simply a dick with no direction or sense of place and belonging.

Im so sorry to all whom my love has fallen short of what has been expected. Or to put it crudely, im sorry for being such a dick. I just feel ive lost my ability to love, to care, since that love and care carries concommitant feelings of jealousy, over-protectiveness and paranoia in its wake.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

jave, sion

whatever the fuck your name is.

you're pathetic

i fucked you over, i fucked your mama, i fucked your dad, i fucked the fact that you only have an O level cert,

i told you i was richer, smarter and more fierce than you,

and you still apologised, cowering, for what you did.

dont you have any pride? it still baffles me

how you couldnt even speak without stuttering. how you didnt dare to meet me.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

A tribute to the man:


the pimp and my babe

the pimp and me

the pimp and my boss (his bodyguard)

us three

the group

popstars!

Life’s gonna be different without you dude.

Take care over there.

Im sure id see u soon